What is touch?

Photo by Ricardo Gomez Angel on Unsplash

What is touch? What are the various ways that I can experience touch? These are the questions I’m reflecting on in this period of social distancing and being in lock-down on my own. What I’m missing the most is being able to touch another human body and being touched in return. Be it a handshake, shoulder brush, gentle touch on the arm or a hug. It has been more than a month since I’ve been in physical contact with another body, even a pet (dog or cat) that I could stroke to get that felt sense of another breathing being. Communication around the coronavirus has made touch a very “risky” act.

During my reflection I realised that my underlying assumptions of what it meant to touch and be touched was limited. I was holding on to a specific way and in doing that I closed down possibilities for myself to be touched by life. So, how do I view touch now? Touch is a meeting point. A place and space where two organisms connect, even if it is for a brief second. In that connection the energy of both are in contact and through the interaction a new energy is brought forth leaving both changed (consciously or unconsciously).

With this broader perspective in mind and knowing that only I can change how missing touch impacted me, I started to open myself up to other ways of experiencing the felt sense of touch. I started to realise that throughout my daily chores I’m being touched and am touching. Every moment provides a meeting point with life. Every moment is an opportunity be touched and transformed by life. However, the choice is ours to show up to the meeting and be present in the moment.

I started to feel the nurturing sensation of touch as the water streamed down on my skin when I showered. I played with putting my attention on the various parts of my body where the water touches my skin. Really sensing into the meeting point of the waterdrop – its warmth, texture and soft energy. I became aware how the touch of water running from the tap in the bathroom basin differ from the tap in the kitchen basin on my hands. The temperature of the water also creates different sensations.

The practice became being present in every moment – presence in practice. Allowing presence to do rather than disconnecting and getting lost in thoughts. As I was rubbing cream in my body I realised I can do this from an autopilot way or I can be in my hands as it touches the various parts of my body. I can give myself permission to feel how it feels to touch every part of my body. To touch and be touched by me and the presence that lives inside me. Realising that in touching myself two entities are present. It is not just me – I’m not alone. As my physical body is touching, the deeper part of me (call it spirit, soul, presence, consciousness, God within, Chi, life force, etc.) witness the touching and are in the touch.

I started to explore touch more from the viewpoint that all in life is connected and everything has energy. I became aware how touching the apple and cutting it in pieces can be an intimate process. How in being present to the act of peeling the sweet potato, I’m simultaneously peeling layers deep inside of me. Through the process of chopping the onion, it forms tears as its energy touch my eyes. In eating my breakfast oats, it fills my whole body with warmth.

In opening up to nature I allowed it to feed all of me. The various tones of the birds sinning touches my ears in different ways. I became aware how the sound of their wings flapping touches a specific area in my heart, that fly away with them as the sound softens that meeting place. The colours of the flowers, trees and plants outside my window touch my eyes. The breeze blowing through the window tinkle my lips. All around me abundance of touch. From the texture of clothes and duvet cover on my skin; the holding of the hairdryer and feeling the hot air drying my hair; the pen in my hand as I’m writing; the damp touch of the clothes as I hang them out; to the broomstick in my hand as I’m sweeping.

Realising more and more that every moment I have a choice to keep on practicing opening up to life in the moment. To let go of the assumptions of how I want touch to be. To not to putt conditions on it and thereby limiting my experience of being touched or radiating touch to others. Also, becoming aware of the deeper underlying fears that feed the yearning to be touched. Do I still exist if I’m not touched? Am I still loved if I’m not touched?

Then I remind myself that like a mother gorilla touches her baby in order for the baby to get a felt sense of its body. I need to learn to do that to myself and allow life to touch me. Only in taking up the responsibility will I be able to receive, give and in the process be transformed by life as it touches me in the meeting point of the moment. Learning that when I’m present in the moment all my needs are lovingly met. Life exist through me and I am touch.

Touched by a gorilla

Photo by Porco Rosso on Unsplash

I can’t remember when my fascination with Gorillas started but the movie “Gorillas in the Mist” definitely contributed to that.  I only recently read the book (with the same name) by Dian Fossey on which the move was based. In the book she shares 13 years of research of the mountain gorillas in the Virunga mountains in Africa.

A few times in the book I was really touched by what she did and how the gorillas engaged with each other as well as with her. The one was when she and a gorilla (that she called “Peanut”) shared eye connection for the first time.  In that moment she felt that she has “crossed an intangible barrier between human and ape” and “finally been accepted by a gorilla”.  She writes

“The expression in his eyes was unfathomable. Spellbound, I returned his gaze – a gaze that seemed to combine elements of inquiry and of acceptance. Peanut ended this unforgettable moment by sighing deeply, and slowly resumed feeding.”

The combination of inquiry and of acceptance is so powerful. Through my coaching work I came to realise that those two elements (inquiry and acceptance) are vital in the process of becoming. How can you gaze upon yourself with inquiry and acceptance and also do that in your interactions with others?

There was another beautiful incident with Peanut that Dian described in the book. When they touched hands for the first time. After the incident they named the place “Fasi Ya Mkoni” meaning “the Place of the Hands”. The words moved me. It reminded me that, just like the gorillas, we too have a yearning for connection and to be touched. What or who do you need to touch today to deepen your connection with life?

Connecting to your inner wildness

We all have an inner wild woman or man living inside of us. That part of us that wants to be free, spend time in nature and connect with animals. Yet, in the busyness of life we tend to neglect that aspect of ourselves. Instead of running or meandering freely in the mountains we run around from one meeting to another chasing deadlines. Leaving us exhausted and disconnected at the end of the day.

Ian McCuallum write in his book Ecological Intelligence
“ To be wild is to be alert to the needs of the flesh and the warning calls of distress. It is to be spontaneous – to live one’s Earthiness and one’s notions of God independent of outside approval. It is to dance, to work and to play with passion…”

I get a sense that we assume that if we allow ourselves to be wild it will lead to irresponsible behaviour. To prevent that, we put our inner wildness on a leash and hand it over to our inner critic to hold. In trying to protect ourselves from the possibility of getting hurt by being spontaneous and passionate we are sabotaging our creativity. By always trying to be in control, do the responsible or the “right” thing we limit ourselves, lose our sense of self and authenticity.

When we unleash the wildness inside we open ourselves to the natural flow of life. In doing that we start to breathe more deeply and our capacity to live with an open-heart increase. We are more able to feel and take in all aspects of life (the joy, ecstasy, intimacy, sadness, disappointments, etc.) without trying to control it. We become more aware of the impact of our behaviour on others and the environment. Which open up new possibilities to engage in a more sustainable authentic way. From being more connected with ourselves and others we can make valuable contributions on a personal and professional level.

You may ask so how do I start to connect with my inner wild woman or man? There are endless possibilities of doing this. You can start with making time to just be with yourself and notice what wants to emerge. Take off your shoes and walk barefoot on the grass. Spend time in nature -go for a hike in the mountain or walk along the beach and allow your inner self to connect with nature. Do something spontaneous, dance, play with your children, read poetry. Do whatever will make you feel free.

I would like to end with a poem by Ian McCuallum that beautifully capture that inner wildness.

The rising
One day
your soul will call to you
with a holy rage.
“Rise up!” it will say …
Stand up inside your own skin.
Unmask your unlived life …
feast on your animal heart.
Unfasten your fist …
let loose the medicine
in your own hand.
Show me the lines …
I will show you the spoor
of the ancestors.
Show me the creases …
I will show you
the way to water.
Show me the folds …
I will show you the furrows
for your healing.
“Look!” it will say …
the line of life has four paths –
one with a mirror
one with a mask,
one with a fist,
one with a heart.
One day,
your soul will call to you
with a holy rage.

Breaking the silence

It has been seven months since my last blog. Writing this blog reminds me of the moment when we broke the silence on the 10^th day of a Vipassana silent retreat that I attended recently. At the retreat noble silence is maintained for ten days which means that you don’t speak to anyone (vocally or through body language). Any distractions that can possibly divert your attention are taken away (such as phone, books, writing material, exercise). You use the time to learn a meditation technique that enables you to quiet the mind, be in the moment and connect with yourself.

The first three days of silence is difficult because you feel the need to express yourself but may not. You want to check with others if what is happening to you is ‘normal’, whether they are also struggling. If you are making progress and being a good student. Instead of getting the external confirmation and recognition that you seek you are faced with your own habits of avoidance and fears of failure.

You realize that you tend to live your life from the outside in, instead of inside out. Before making a decision you first look outside of yourself to gather information, test the opinion of others and seek their approval. Rather than starting at the sensational level, your inner body of knowledge, and feel how the decision sits with you. Does it create sensations of craving or aversion within you? Can you look at it from a place of equanimity and respond objectively rather than reacting from your default pattern?

After the fourth day you start to settle in your body. Your eyes are not looking frantically around, they start to calm down and rest in the eye sockets. This enables you to begin to feel the sensations in your body from a physical level and not look at the sensations from the outside in. You start to come home to yourself. You come home to the moment as it is and not as you want it to be. In doing that you begin to accept and love yourself.

For me the journey back home was 5 cm inward, 10 degrees to the left and between 4 to 12 hours long. I realized I tend to live 5cm outside of my physical body. When we had to feel the sensations in our bodies I tried to look at it from a 5cm distance. The retreat enabled me to feel comfortable within my body so that I could feel the sensation as it arose and passed by. When you sit for 12 hours and meditate you become aware of your body posture. My head was tilted to the right side at an angle of 10 degrees. I was not looking straight ahead and facing reality as it was. At the beginning of the retreat my mind was always thinking ahead. I became aware that I was thinking about what I was going to do 4 to 12 hours ahead of time. I was not present at all. When you are not present you can’t be with life as it is in the moment. You miss out on the fullness of life and yourself.

When you start to speak after 10-days of silence you realise that you are engaging with others from a different place. A more loving and centred space. You are more aware whether you are connected to your truth or not. I stopped blogging for a while because I realised that my blogs became more about sharing other people’s opinions and insights than my own. The initial purpose of my blogs was to share my truth and how I experience the world with the hope that it will inspire others to do the same and just be themselves. As with the retreat I needed some time in silence to reconnect so that when I do speak up it comes from a place of love and authenticity.

We can’t always go on silent retreats to reconnect with ourselves. What we can do is to create pockets of silence during the day or week. Even if it is just to focus on your breath for a minute. Doing that brings you back to the universal truth that everything in life arises and passes away. We can’t control life more than we can control our breath. The act of trying to control life contributes to our suffering. When we let go of the need to control and accept the moment as it is and not how we want it to be, we set ourselves and others free.

I know it is easier said than done and probably a lifetime practice,  but we can start with this breath…

Inner Current

The sea has a powerful current

let it move you

let it stir parts of your soul that you have forgotten.

 

Allow it to come to the surface

and surprise you.

 

You are so much more than you think.

Stop thinking,

stop limiting yourself.

 

Let the inner current lead you

to the place you know

the place that you call home.

10 Reasons for coaching

Photo: unsplash.com

Last week I was filled with deep gratitude when I completed my Professional Coach Training and certified as an Integral Coach. It has been an amazing two-year journey of learning and re-discovering. Looking back I know that it was the best investment I could have made in/for myself. I was reminded again (as I often am with coaching clients) of the value of making time for personal development.

The past week I reflected on the following question:

Why do we enrol in personal development workshops or coaching processes?

One of the main reasons is to learn new skills. So, why do we need more skills?

Below is a list of ten reasons that came to mind.

We develop new skills to build our capacity to:

• stay in the discomfort instead of running away from it.
• meet the challenges that life gives us and turn it into opportunities for growth.
• have the courage to step into the uncertainty even though we are afraid.
• lean more into who we are and have been all along.
• trust and love ourselves more.
• change in order for new possibilities to unfold.
• serve others in a compassionate way
• deepen our relationships with others (at home and at work).
• connect in a meaningful way with life.
• not escape life but to learn how to engage with life.

Learning: We develop skills not to escape life but to learn how to engage with life.

Healing question: How can I embody the skills I learn in order to connect in a more meaningful way with others and life?

Focus on the space

A few weeks ago we did a road trip through Namibia. What struck me most about Namibia was the landscape and the ample space. As far as you can see there is space. It feels as if there is nothing. As if it is just an open space.

After sitting in the ‘empty’ space your thoughts start to slow down and you are stripped of your preconceived ideas. You realise there is no such thing as nothing. Nothing is something. You realise that if you focus your attention on the space possibilities open up.

I became aware of my own tendency to rather focus on something. I would focus on a tree, a structure or a dune rather than the space around it. Not realising that I’m closing down the vastness by doing that.

This time of the year we tend to focus on the overbooked diary and busy schedule. In our life we only see the problem, the sentence in the email that we disagree with, the crack in the wall, the branches of the tree, etc. We don’t see the space between. We don’t focus on the aspects that we agree with, the blank piece of the paper, or the space between the leaves of the tree.

How might things be different if you start to see all of it? How might it open up space within you during this busy time of the year?

Learning: Focus on the space and allow it to open up space within you.

Healing question: How can you start to see space as just as important part of the bigger picture and not as an area that still needs to be filled?

Part of a team

We all have a need to belong. Whether it is in our personal life or at work. We want to feel that we are part of a group of like-minded people. We don’t just want to be connected to them on a virtual basis. We want to experience meaningful real-life connections. We want to build personal relationships and feel each other’s presence.

Research indicates that more than a quarter of people feel they don’t belong, despite the fact that they have many social platforms to connect with others. A possible reason for this is that the feel-good hormones of the body (like oxytocin) need face-to-face interaction to stimulate production. Our moods improve and we feel more socially connected when we can see and hear one another.

There are different ways one can experience a sense of belonging. Being part of a community or tribe, a group of close friends, a division at work or a sports team are some of the ways. The Iceland soccer team that is currently playing in the UEFA Euro 2016 tournament reminded me how a team sport can bring people together and create a sense of connection. It made me think back to the times when I used to play team sports.

I started to participate in team sports when I was about 11 years old. At first I played netball and later (in High School) switched to hockey. The wonderful thing about a team sport is that every member of the team has a specific role to play. Knowing that my contribution counts towards the team gave me a sense of belonging. I experienced a deep sense of connection during a match. When we all played towards a common goal it really felt hat we were in it together.

It has been many years since I last played in a team sport. Being self-employed I’m also not working with others on a daily basis. Only now that I’m not part of a ‘team’ anymore I realise the sense of belonging that it gave me. I recognise the importance of engaging with others in meaningful ways such as physically spending time  and conversing with them. When last did you really connect with someone? Where do you feel you belong?

Learning: Being part of a team gives one a sense of belonging.

Healing question: How can the way I interact with others translate into meaningful, real-life connections?

Be life curious

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When last were you curios about your life and all its aspects?

Curiosity is an inherent quality that we all have. It is our innate explorative behaviour as well as our desire to know and understand. Studies show that when we are curious about something we learn far easier at a deeper level and remember what we’ve learned longer.

When you observe 2-year old children you see that it is in their nature to be curious and inquisitive. They have a healthy fascination with their beautiful world. They explore with all their senses and a feeling of wonderment. According to Jean Piaget (a Swiss psychologist) children are intrinsically interested in novelty and motivated to improve their understanding of the world. Children actively seek problems to solve and do not wait for others to present problems to them. Their curiosity is the tool with which they acquire information and develop their intellectual and creative abilities.

Unfortunately, as we grow older we tend to express our curiosity less. A possible reason for this is the way we are schooled. The full curriculum does not always allow time for kids to ponder and enquire. We also become less tolerant of wonderment when the focus is on accomplishment and performance. Later when we start to work we are constantly reminded that ‘time is money’. The time pressure and heavy workload hinders our curiosity. Which is sometimes exactly what is needed to unlock new energy and possibilities.

 Research indicates that for the brain to develop new connections we must allow ourselves to curiously and playfully enjoy novel experiences. We must make time to ask questions, ponder and reflect. Albert Einstein said: ‘ I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.’ If you struggle with a difficult situation at work or maybe want to change a personal habit, I would like to invite you to become ‘passionately curious’ about it this week. Foster an environment that is curious and not judgemental. Look at the situation through the eyes of a 2-year old. Reconnect with your sense of wonderment.

Learning: When I become curious about life, new learnings open up.

Healing question: What will I learn about my work or life if I become ‘passionately curious’ about it?

Make time to be

Are you afraid to slow down? What will happen if I slow down or sit quiet for a few minutes and just be? No, the thought of that is just too scary I’ll keep on doing.

Keeping busy allows us to avoid things we don’t want to face. We know if we slow down one of two things may happen:

1. The critical voice in our heads will say things like – How can you sit still you must be working? People don’t like people who are lazy. If I don’t do something you’re not productive or competent…
2. The calling voice will start to speak up. It’s the voice that you are trying to avoid. The one you are saying to ‘I just want to do this first then I will listen to you…’.The one that you keep busy in order to distract from it. According to Jennifer Louden a calling is:‘That which is so alive, so urgent, so blissful, you must shield your eyes from it… It is that which you may think you do not deserve and certainly are not capable of giving birth to.’

Whatever voice it is that you are trying to avoid by keeping busy. Know that with everything we do in the world there is a doing and a being state. Check in with yourself. What state are you mostly operating in? Who will you need to be for the desired things to happen in your life?

Even though the thought of just being might be scary. The good news, according to Rick Hansen, is that the more we practise to just be with ourselves. We develop new neural pathways. Over time we create a felt sense of a core being that is intact.

So, how does one do it?

• First find out what ‘activity’ allows you to connect with the ‘being’ part of you. It can be meditating, praying, walking early in the morning, yoga, being in nature, and breathing deeply…
• Then make time for ‘being’ in your life. It does not need to be long – it can be 1 minute a day.
• Practise regularly. Don’t underestimate the power of little things. It builds over time.

I want to close with one of my favourite mindfulness phrases by Mark Williams:May you have ease of being. Allow yourself to be just as you are: complete and whole.